The Vegan View

Is it possible for a vegan to live in harmony with a spouse or a partner who is not? What about the children raised in such a household? I dearly love my fiancee but it is becoming more and more of a concern to me that her not being a vegan or even a vegetarian is going to present us with a lot of issues down the road. I'd love to hear from vegans and vegetarians who have or have had a non-veg partner.

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VegFamily readers reply:

Trina:
It is possible. I have been vegetarian/vegan on and off since 1991 and my husband is a meat eater. My daughter eats what she wants. Some days she is vegan, some days vegetarian and still others she is a meater eater. She is not a picky eater. I would say the majority of the time she is vegetarian. What you eat is a personal choice and you can't choose for others. My husband will eat veggie meals, but he likes his meat. It is just a metter of give and take.

Evelyn
I follow a vegan diet and my husband and son do not. We don't have a problem because I am quite willing to cook two meals although many times we have all enjoyed a vegan meal together! I feel that many vegans tend to take a snooty attitude regarding food and that is not right. To each his own and I would never make anyone feel uncomfortable because of my eating habits.

Carol:
I am a vegan and my husband is not. It would be easier if he would follow the vegan lifestyle. But right now is not happening. He is very supportive of me and I try to accomodate the thing he likes. Much of the time he cooks his own meat on the grill. He likes to bake to so he does a lot of his own cooking. I do some of his favorite dishes. But we have done well working out all the details. I just believing that he will come to the healthy side soon.

Deborah:
I decided to go Vegan a little over a year ago. I took so long to make the switch mainly because I knew it would be a problem with my husband. Finally, I just couldn't take eating meat any longer, it went against my morals. I have two children, and I didn't force them to become vegans. However, my daughter was already fighting me about eating the meat I put in front of her (she's an animal lover), so she was quick to join me as a vegan. My son took a little longer, but he's vegan now. Which leaves my husband the only non-vegan in the family, and for me, it is an issue. Perhaps if I had become vegan for personal health reasons, I'd be OK with his choice. But because it is a moral issue for me, because I know about the suffering of animals, it does bother me that he's unwilling to change his diet to fit my fundamental beliefs. It's hard for me to understand not choosing compassion.

Barbara:
That's deja vu for me! Thirteen years ago I married a chef and I did not remain vegan for long, though two children later I am working myself back.But it's really me, not him. He is respectful, so I think it depends on how much you are your own person and like to cook your own food. I didn't and so capitulated to his food style. As much as I regret not holding my own in the kitchen, I don't regret marrying him! If this woman is your fiance' and you don't get engaged on a regular basis, she must fit some very significant criteria and feed your soul in important ways for you to marry her. But don't count on her changing after the wedding. Be sure and have straight and serious food conversations before you marry and discuss what is most important to you. Do you want to keep a vegan kitchen and she can eat other things when out? Have you shared books and other resources that had an impact on you? Jane Goodall has a nice book on being a vegetarian for someone who needs a bit of education. John Robbins' seminal book had a big impact on many people. Lastly, how is it for you to kiss someone who just ate meat? Know thyself and good luck!

Fran:
Can a Vegan live in harmony with a non-vegan or vegetarian? If you can get past you mate consuming products that you believe and that are know to cause health problems. And understanding that when you mate becomes ill you will then watch probably watch them consume more unhealthy items. From the bottom of my heart I would say no you can not live in harmony as a vegan with at a miminum a vegetarian let alone a non-vegan.

Terry:
I have been vegetarian/vegan for over 20 years my husband is a meat eater.I do all the cooking and may not enjoy cooking meat but I changed my eating habits hubby chose to continue to eat meat.I have been vegetarian/vegan for over 20 years my hubby is a meat eater(married 30yrs).I do all of the cooking.We respect each others eating habits.our kids are slit 1 veg and 2 meat eaters.they grew up with both and made there own decisions as adults.

Patience & Virtue:
From experience, the worst relationship to be in is with someone that is "being vegan for you". I say this because if it is not in their heart, if they have not woken up to being vegan yet, inside there will often arise a resentment, a "point scoring" an expectation of some kind of demand back which can later come out.Sometimes this can just be childishly, in the form of a cheeky defiance; sometimes it can be destructively, even explosively. A resentment at being controlled by someone else mixed with a feeling of inferiority, a kind of "am not I good enough?", which might be conscious or unconscious ... because being vegan speaks to their sub-conscious.Being compassionate towards non-vegans, life with a vegan is hell! Imagine all the label checking, all the endless hunting down something or somewhere to eat, all the additional burden of thought put onto their instinctual desire to just eat something. Who would have the patience for that?And what about when children come into the equation? Whose will will supersede? As they grow up and you find yourself outnumbered at home, are you going to be happy spending your life in a non-vegan household.Let's be honest, vegan demographics are stacked in the favor of male vegans, would you not secretly prefer a vegan partner?

Crystal:
I'm a Vegan and my husband is not. We have a 4 year old daughter who we are raising Vegetarian. As for our relationship it has not caused a problem because he respects who I am and why. I don't judge him for what he choses to eat. We agreed together for our daughter to be raised as a Vegetarian. Plus he really loves the Vegan Food that I cook. (He eats Vegan Food everyday and the ONLY TIMES he eats meat is when we eat out or at other peoples home.) It comes down to communication, love, understanding, and respecting the other person for who they are and moving foward together as a family.

Mandy:
Yes, definately. When I met my husband I was vegetarian and he was not, I soon brought him round to my way of thinking. I have since become a vegan and persuaded my husband to read 'The China Study', now he is a near vegan and he agreed to removing the majority of dairy products from our 3 children's diets. I have raised our children as vegetarian and they are all picky eaters, I don't think it is appropriate at this stage to enforce a full dietary change on them. So we still have some dairy products in the house. My children can make their own choices and I am happy to respect those choices. However in our house, I consider the kitchen to be mine and I do not want any meat in my kitchen. So if my children at some point decide to try meat, they will do so outside of the home. None of the rest of my family is vegetarian the key is respect. If you respect the views/choices of those you love there is no conflict.I certainly wouldn't choose to be with a meat-eater, or a smoker or someone who takes recreational drugs for that matter. But once you have an established relationship you have to work with what you have. I set my own boundaries according to my conscience but I keep my arms open.

Chef Max Beal:
It is very possible. I have a friend who is Vegan and her now husband is a hard core carnivore. I catered their reception privately. They are very much still in love, and have a great life together.Menu:Saute station: black bean stir fry with choice of chicken or tofu. two seperate pans were used so as not to cross contaminate.garlic, honey, and basil mashed potatoes * the carnes loved it*spiced tea infused risottolocally grown corn on the cob, grilled in the husk.Carnes got fire grilled flank steak cooked over red cedar, and black walnut wood.Salmon with two saucesthen there was a cheese and fruit display to start with, and a variety of breakfast danish for afterwards.Its just a matter of how hardcore you are about your veg outlook on life, and the love of your other. It takes work and effort to make food time work together, but its the same for a relationship.If you would like to have more ideas or recipes for a combined meal of veg and carne. feel free to ask. I have over 20 yrs of experience as an executive chef, and even have recipes for folks with ciliac sprue. hope this helps ease your mind.Chef MaxIndianapolis, IN.

Scott:
My wife maintained a vegan diet for several years, and recently went back to her old ways.... We are a household that has several things going on- one of the kids is gluten free, I'm a gluten free vegan, the others eat meat. My wife is my best friend, and she's also a great cook. She takes the time to make sure we all have something that suits us on holidays like Thanksgiving.I wish they were all vegans, but my family is the most important part of my life. I infuse a little education when I can about what they eat, and stay focused on making sure we raise them right- thinking about others, the planet, and their own futures.It's not that big a deal, don't stress over it too much.

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